How I Became a “Good” Republican

How I Became a “Good” Republican
by John Womack

Is America still the land of opportunity? Yes it is! Here I am, a local boy without a party to call my own - but I still made good, and you can do it too! Maybe. Here is how I did it.

When Elizabeth Dole became Senator for our state, I called to talk with her. Like many important women she was hard to get. She didn’t answer the phone and neither did anyone else there. Finally, after about the third or fourth try I got some young staffers to answer. They didn’t seem to know what I was talking about though, and they said they didn’t know how Senator Dole felt about those issues either. I asked them to relay my messages to her and have her write and tell me what she was doing about those things. But I never heard from her.

I persisted in the calls; I e-mailed her too, even wrote some long-handed letters and mailed them to her. I told her I was her constituent and it was her duty to talk with me. Finally I did begin to get replies.

They were all identical. They said: “Thank you for contacting me. I appreciate your input and will consider carefully what you have said. If that issue ever comes to the Senate floor I will take your thoughts into consideration.”

Well! What I had been calling her about, and which she said she would keep in mind IF it ever came to the Senate floor, was the Iraq war, the prisons there and in Guantanamo, the U.S. economy, taxes, conservation, social security, and the “patriot” act, to name only a few. I knew all of those had been to the Senate floor, but I guess she had missed them. I knew she was new on the job, but anybody could do better that that!

So I called her staff now - not her - but her people. I told them they weren’t telling her what I had told them to pass along. I accused them of shielding her from her constituents. I emphasized that I didn’t want her to just blindly support Bush, I wanted congress to assert itself, not to just stumble along following his misguided and incompetent lead. And I wanted her to write and tell me what she thought about all of this.

Finally I began to get a new series of letters. These were each different in wording but they all had the same message: “Thanks for your support, we are helping the President” or “we’re all working together” or “we support President Bush in every way.” They went on: “President Bush is our leader, we support him all the way.” Finally they changed to the viewpoint that “President Bush is our Commander-In-Chief, and we are all behind him!” And they all thanked me for supporting our Commander-in-Chief too.

I couldn’t believe that - I was incensed. I wrote her back and told her that Bush might be the commander-in-chief of the military, but not of the U.S. Senate! I told her he was not the commander-in-chief of of the government, and certainly not the entire country!

I should have stopped there, but couldn’t. I told her the war in Iraq was wrong! I told her to bring our troops home now! I said that Social Security must be saved, to hell with privatization! I called for Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo to close now, pointing out that we are creating dungeons for captured U.S. troops far into the future. I told her that Bush is a loser, that he will be become known as the leader of the gang that couldn’t talk straight, the myopic idiot of American politics, the archetype of those who cannot see and never could see and never even wanted to see; the Mr. Magoo of the Oval Office. The man who was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, and when he lost it again and again and again, it was shoved up into a different part of his anatomy! Where he couldn’t find it! With both hands!
I figured that would get her attention. I hiked down our quarter-mile long gravel driveway to the hard road where our mail box stands on a post. I put the letter in and raised the red flag. I hiked back home.

Then I wondered if I had gone too far.  Could I get into trouble?

I decided to rethink the issue for a day or two and tone down the language so I went back down to the mail box to get it back out. But the mailman had come and gone. The hard road runs in an isolated part of the country. It comes around a sharp turn to our mail box then goes over a steep hill and that’s it. It was quiet and I had spoken my piece.

I wondered what the future would bring.

About five days later I got a very large brown envelope out of my mailbox. It was from Senator Dole. I was stunned. It’s a subpoena! I thought – I’ll have to go to Washington! Or is it a warrant for my arrest? Don’t they send those things to the sheriff? With a pounding heart and trembling hands, I tore the wrapping open and pulled out a very serious-looking document with a presidential seal on the top of it. It was a declaration.

“Be it known to all who bear witness, that the
Chair, by virtue of the authority
invested in the Executive Director of the
Republican Task Force, confers this warrant
of Platinum Membership to

JOHN H. WOMACK

A Republican Leader in the Franklin community and
steadfast supporter of President George W. Bush.”

It went on:

“Whereas, John H. Womack, is known to represent the
highest Republican ideals and principles; we have,
therefore, affixed the grand seal of the Republican
Presidential Task Force and affixed our names in
confirmation.”

It was signed by Senator Elizabeth Dole, chair, and Mark Stephens, Executive Director.

I screamed “Not ME!” My first thought was to burn it. “What if anybody sees this thing?” I clutched it under my shirt and looked around. The road was deserted. I’ll be ruined! OOOUGH!, I had made her mad, and she got me good!

I wondered if I could sue. I even thought about calling my attorney but he’s a republican. He would be envious. He would want me to get one for him. Accompanying literature pointed out that less than 1% of “good Republicans” would ever earn this award, and if I sent them $120 I would receive another "special honor".

Then, I thought I’ll pay the lousy $120 they want. I will become a full-fledged “Republican of Honor”. Then I can attend their meetings and scream them down, or maybe just sow some seeds of doubt. I can even accompany the President when he comes to visit Franklin or Otto or Nantahala.

I’ll send it back! I can tell them that I had been a republican but “I saw the light.” Or I can be real cool about it and tell them the recipient has “been moved”, and is no longer a Republican. I can get a stamp made, and stamp the envelope: “RECIPIENT EVOLVED”.

Maybe I can send THEM a bill for $120 – hey – why not add a couple of zeros to that figure – they might pay it! Money is different to these guys!

Then again, I can save the document secretly. Put it in a double envelope and hide it in my safe deposit box. If I ever do get subpoenaed, I can pull this thing out and slam it on the exhibit table in a dramatic swoop and stun all of Washington with “proof” that I was an undercover agent for the Republican High Command!

Finally I figured it’s just too much for me. I will have to sleep on it and see what comes out of all this tomorrow.

So, I have a political party again now – wasn’t the one I wanted, but life is often like that. I recall a wise man once told me “be careful of what you hate, you may draw it to you”.


©John Womack, 2005, All Rights Reserved.